"The Black Man Talking Emotions Podcast" Starring Dom L'Amour
"The Black Man Talking Emotions Podcast" Starring Dom L'Amour
Mental Gainz: How I Stopped Searching for What's Wrong
The unexpected peace that comes with slowing down sits at the heart of this deeply personal episode. Dom opens up about his mental journey navigating the end of wedding season—traditionally a time when performance gaps left him anxious and frustrated. But something's different this year.
Through candid reflection, Dom shares how organizing his life last year and embracing discipline this year created a foundation for accepting where he is right now. "I feel like for a long time I allowed the unknown to dictate my whole day-to-day," he reveals, describing how he would obsess over opportunities not coming his way or compare himself to other performers seemingly achieving more. The breakthrough came when he realized everyone's path is different, and external validation couldn't provide what internal acceptance could.
This shift allowed Dom to find profound joy in simple pleasures—hosting friends for dinner, catching an impromptu jazz jam without feeling compelled to record everything for social media, appreciating the home he's created that truly reflects who he is. He talks about challenging the performer's instinct to constantly hustle and instead embracing moments of genuine connection and creativity without agenda.
Perhaps most powerful is Dom's realization that adulthood isn't about reaching some magical stage where everything makes sense. "When you start to realize that the world is not really changing, it's always going to be the same," he says, acknowledging that human dynamics remain consistent across all life phases. This perspective has freed him to stop waiting for some future state of arrival and instead embrace his journey exactly as it unfolds.
Connect with Dom on Instagram @dom_lamour for more insights, music recommendations, or just to continue the conversation about finding peace in a world that rarely slows down.
What's happening. It's Dom. I'm just doing a little mental check-in. I it's at the end of wedding season for us, so we don't have many weddings this summer, so I'm off now until the 19th and then I'm off till sometime in August and I usually around this time I'm kind of like twirling my fingers.
Speaker 1:But this year has been really interesting. I've had a couple of moments of breaks where you know, the year starts January, we don't really have a lot of weddings, and then we start after Valentine's Day and go until June strong pretty much every week. And I had a break off to go to Italy and I took a break to go to a friend's wedding. There were a couple moments where I wasn't working, which I like like to work, so it was weird. This year I was kind of okay with it. I think that's just come from a lot of the work I've been doing, where self-reflection, trying to understand what my purpose is, what I want to do with my life, things that I want to achieve, the way I want to perceive myself, the way that I look at the things that are happening around me. And yeah, it sucks to not be able to perform and it sucks not making as much money. I'm going to still be gigging here and there and creating myself opportunities and visiting. I'm hosting people in. This month is my birthday month of July, of course, so I'm really blessed and excited for time spent with friends, loved ones.
Speaker 1:When I was younger, I felt like I would always I don't know get frustrated with myself if I wasn't doing enough, if I was taking too much time off, if I was not being I don't know paid attention to, if that makes sense musically, performance-wise, and that bothered me. You know, as an artist, you want to believe that when you work with people, when people are like, oh, we should work together again, they'll make the effort to reach out, they'll make the effort to present opportunities to you. And you want to believe the energy you put into the world will come back to you in some way. But the older I get, the more I realize yeah, I might put that energy in the world and it does come back to me, but usually it comes back to you, the way it's going to come back to you, and I'm really happy I see so much happening in our future and the things that we've done, the places I've been able to go and touch with my own hands and people I've been able to keep in touch with and have these incredible relationships with. Like I try to put all this positive energy out and it's coming back to me in a great way.
Speaker 1:It's hard to complain about that. It's hard to sit down and be like, wow, I should be getting more gigs or I should be making more money. I can't do that to myself anymore. I feel like for a long time I allowed the unknown to dictate my whole day to day. When I say that, I mean I would assume someone feels a certain way about me or I would assume someone did something for a certain reason, and in some cases I would ask them and they would like no, and then I would still be like, but they really did mean it.
Speaker 1:And it's like sometimes you just got to believe people when they tell you what they say, and then also sometimes you got to just think well, you know, they're just living their life. There's no way they're sitting down plotting my demise. They don't care about me, and most of the time they don't. I feel like most people are really just they wake up, they go through their routines and do their things. Some people do the things that make them happy. Some people sit in their own sorrow and or some people just aren't able to think that way. I mean depression is a disability, something that people need help with, and sometimes you need a lot of drugs to take. So I try not to judge too much.
Speaker 1:I think, more than anything, the confusion is just how, when I was younger, if I was feeling the way I'm feeling now, I would be trying to find the bad. I'd be trying to find what's wrong. Everything can't be right, something must be off. And now I'm in a place where I'm able to kind of just enjoy my space. Last year's theme of the year was organization, and that's really gotten me back into the habit of using my planner, knowing what's today and what's tomorrow with time, and writing stuff down when I feel it's important to me, people's birthdays, and that has been so beneficial to my day to day. And this year, discipline just adds to the organization where I'm way more likely to write it in my planner and to check my planner and to make sure that I add suggestions for other things to be prepared for. You know, stuff that you could easily forget. It's hard for me to forget now because I'm taking the effort to remember and making the effort to try and be better. And when I cross off the things on my list and I might have like five or six things, two things never matter when I cross them off, I'm able to say, okay, I did what I wanted to do today. That's what I don't think I could do when I was younger.
Speaker 1:I would see influences online. I would see people my age or younger achieving things and I'm like maybe it's just because I'm not working hard enough, maybe it's because I'm not dead. It's like that's their life. You gotta live your life. You know, my life is 20 times different than the person sitting next to me and I'm starting to see it more. I'm starting to open up more. I'm starting to realize I can say no to things more. I don't have to be on social media every day. I don't have to play video games or lose myself in the reels on YouTube. I can really turn that stuff off and create or relax, communicate. Like I said, this weekend I'm hosting friends. That's really exciting.
Speaker 1:When I was younger, I always dreamed of being, you know, an adult, someone who can cook dinner for his friends and hey, take a beer. You know, let's talk about life. Now that I'm older and I'm able to do that, I really, really cherish these moments. I cherish my friends. Maria and Stephanie are in town this week, and then I'll have Jesse Lynn, and then at the end of the month, chester. I love everybody so much and the fact that they're even willing to, you know, take time out of their life to spend it with me.
Speaker 1:I can't be upset. It's hard to find reasons to be upset, even with the crap that's going on in Israel and Ukraine and Iran and Trump in general. I don't even like saying his name, but it's the truth. You gotta put it out there. With all that stuff, we live in a very privileged society and we don't take that. We don't really realize that as much. We might be going to war, but you know I can sleep still. It's frustrating and I speak out when I I can and support the groups that I want to support, because I don't agree with any of this stuff. But also I can't sit down and don't recognize the blessings that I have and how I can live my life and how I can live my life and I can be there for the people in my life and I can create, still express myself on stage. I can do everything. I have a partner who works very hard and I like to take care of things for her, so she doesn't have to worry about anything. It's really kind of incredible to see where I am now. I really appreciate people who listen to the pod, and if you even are listening to this mid-season check-in kind of thing I don't know, I might call it something else because it's really closer to the end of the season I appreciate y'all. I have a couple more interviews, of course, coming up in the coming weeks, but I really wanted to just take an episode to kind of talk directly to the pod and let y'all know where I am mentally. I think that's important. A great example of where I'm at now Yesterday I went to pick up the homies in Marietta, but it was a Sunday and usually Sundays.
Speaker 1:If I have a gig the day before on Saturday, I'm not doing anything on Sundays. That's usually my rule. I woke up at noon because we didn't get back until like four in the morning from Birmingham on Saturday. We didn't get back until like four in the morning from Birmingham on Saturday, and when I got up I felt good. I stretched in a little yoga and got my body right and I thought about the things I could do. That day. I cleaned up, I made sure the house was good. I was going to cut the grass but it was raining, so I was like I'll do that tomorrow. And it was so nice. I took a shower.
Speaker 1:My friend was doing a show in Smyrna, which is right near Marietta, so I was like let's see if I can catch that. It was a jazz jam and he's in my corporate band with me. John O'Leary shout out. I never get to do that and when I do, I try my best to go, Because it's always cool to support friends, it's always cool to be in a social environment, somewhere different, see, a new vibe, you know.
Speaker 1:And I didn't really expect to sing. I thought I was going to get there right when they were done and they were going to be finished and no, but I walked in the door and the first thing I noticed was the guy who was running it. His name is Stephen Fellenham. He's actually a guy that I work with, his father father Charlie Fellenham on Thursdays at a club in Sandy Springs here in Georgia. So it was like Stephen like, and he's like oh, he didn't really recognize me, but because I got my hair braided up now and he's like, oh, tom, and that's just another moment where it's like, okay, if I wouldn't have showed up, I wouldn't have had this moment where it's like, okay, if I wouldn't have showed up, I wouldn't have had this moment where I could talk to someone who could employ me in the future and give them another reason to want to employ me. I wouldn't have had that experience if I didn't just, you know, clean up and go.
Speaker 1:And then I went in and John was playing and he looked around and was like Dom, you want to come up? So I got the same tune and they were doing more funk instead of jazz. But I still sang Stevie Wonder to my Shady Amour and funked it up, funked it up a little bit. It was good times and the instrumentalists I worked with were incredible and we really made it our own and I just felt so free and happy and excited. I just felt so free and happy and excited. I was able to truly engage with the guys. I felt like we knocked it out of the park. On top of that, I kind of get angry thinking about it, but I didn't record it. I didn't feel the need to. It's not for everybody. Sometimes I just want to perform and the people in the room we get a moment together, kind of thing. I felt like that was truly something I just love. I love those moments. I love being able to do something spontaneous and not hold myself to a certain standard when it comes to what other people would expect from me.
Speaker 1:My life is different than everyone else's, and most people wouldn't go support or go out. They stay in and say they'll come to the next one. I don't want to be like most people. I want to do stuff that other people don't do. I want to enjoy things a little bit more and be happy with where I am, and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting days anymore, like I used to as a theater major. I feel like we were always pushed to do something new. You're supposed to sing, you're supposed to dance, you're supposed to act. Can you write? Can you? Can you work in the shop? Can you? Can you sell tickets? Like, can you build a set? You need to do everything, and if you can't do one thing at a time, then go do something else, and so it was always go, go, go.
Speaker 1:I would watch shows like Book of Mormon and I'll be like I could be in this show. I could be one of those Africans in the back. But you know, now I can sit down and watch that show and be like, ooh, I wonder what an African person from anywhere in Africa, from any country, feels how these white gentlemen from America portrayed them. And the big moment for the African actor in the show was to say I have maggots in my scrotum. I can step back and see that and be like, oh, this is kind of disturbing. Yes, it's comedy, it's supposed to make you laugh.
Speaker 1:But when people who don't understand it, don't care to get out and do something, to see places to explore, when they just assume that the world is the way it is by the things that have been telling them that it is that way, it could be frustrating and it could be hard and it could sway our opinions about certain things. And if most people do that, I don't want to be like most people. I feel like that's an element I want to change and I feel like I'm continuing to work on throughout my life. It's cool if you, you know, want to eat barbecue or eat heavy calories or drink beer every day, or, you know, sit in a chair, read a book all day long, or if you want to go play football, if you want to do that's cool. Whatever you do, do it. That's cool. I don't care, I'm going to do me.
Speaker 1:Though I feel like putting myself first has been the the most exciting, scary experience that I've had this year and in the year 35, the fact that I'm kind of going through this now and seeing these benefits of being able to say no and being able to say I'm going to take some space for myself. I'm going to do this for myself, instead of kind of feeling like I have to be the leader all the time, as the oldest kid, as just someone in general who tends to kind of take charge. When you're in a situation and everyone's looking at each other, what are we going to do? All right, we're going to do this. Everyone's looking at each other. What are we going to do? All right, we're going to do this as that kind of person all my life.
Speaker 1:It's nice to be able to sit back and be like I don't think I'm necessary right now. These people can feel a certain way and do the certain things that they do, but it's like maybe someone else should step up and I'm going to keep my own to myself now a little bit more so that I can have my peace. What all do we really get in life? Experiences, love, the people around us can share gifts, and we can laugh and cry and experience things together, but when it comes down to it, at the end of the day, you gotta find ways to be happy with all the crap that's going on around us. Gotta find ways to truly Find your peace. I don't think I'm fully there yet, but I'm working towards it and I believe I'm seeing it more and more each day.
Speaker 1:I'm starting to realize that I can't be happy and live the life that I'm living. I'm living a very simple life. I'm active, yes, with the band and moving around and getting to see different places. I'm putting together my own opportunities and that's a lot of fun as well and I'm okay with all of the stuff that I'm doing. I'm in my office now.
Speaker 1:I've been looking at this picture that I have on the wall from the movie Coming to America. That's my favorite movie of all time, and my basement is really just the representation of me. You know my life. I got my lightsaber with a yellow crystal in it kyber crystal, my Cardinals and Blues, st Louis Post-Dispatch. On the wall the Chicago L-System sign that we got made in college after a newspaper reviewed our show that we had at our school and said that said that line dancing in prancing these, these queens, are dancing in prancing at the palace on the river.
Speaker 1:This place is really home to me now. I never, never, thought I would have a place outside of Kirkwood, missouri, that I thought was home, as much as I think this place is now, even Cape Girardeau. When I went to college I loved Cape, but you know, when I go back now it doesn't feel like home because there isn't a place. I can really go back to Kirkwood my folks have a house there. I can really go back to Kirkwood. My folks have a house there, yes, but my grandparents' house was destroyed. That was kind of the end of oh, this is home, home. You know I can really build my own home somewhere else now because I can never really go back to that. You know, and I feel like more things are going to continue to change in my family and my life that I'm going to look back and be like, wow, I wish we took more pride or understood how lucky we had in any way, you know, being able to step back and look out.
Speaker 1:For me, I feel like it's helped me when it comes to other things that I'm losing or not able to experience anymore in my life. There's another t-shirt on the wall Team Nate that was my little cousin who passed away in Chicago a couple years ago. Team Nate, that was my little cousin who passed away in Chicago a couple years ago, and I remember how hard that was. I was scared to drive for a couple of weeks, maybe a couple of months, because he passed away in a car accident. Now I can really look back on that and be like you know, things happen.
Speaker 1:It's heartbreaking, but I'm gonna have to continue living and I gotta keep living. I gotta be there for my people when I can. I can't. I'm not gonna overstress or force my way in anymore if I offer a hand and you push it away. I'm not going to overstress or force my way in anymore If I offer a hand and you push it away. I'm going to let you push it away now, and I think that's something that it's taken me years to get to. I'm not going to beg people to want me to be who I am. You know, like I shouldn't have to tell you hey, I'm going to be me. I know so many people who do that. Where you're talking to them, I'm going to be me, I'm going to do my thing, kind of thing. I don't care what anyone says. I shouldn't have to tell people that. No one should have to. We should just be able to be ourselves. And that's why I'm going. I'm working more towards that and I believe I see it. I believe I can achieve it. It's a really cool headspace to be in.
Speaker 1:I never felt like I knew when adulthood would be like okay, I can't learn anymore. I've always felt like the older I've gotten, the more I'm like oh, this isn't what I thought it was going to be. I tell a story about how you know. When you're in fifth grade, you keep telling people you're like I can't wait to get to middle school, because these elementary kids are just kids. They didn't get to middle school. Oh, I can't wait to get to high school, because high school is where the kids are really. We were grown then and you're like well, I can't wait to get to college now because these kids are so foolish and childish. Then you get to college. I can't wait to be an adult. I can't wait to have my own place. I can't wait to do this. I can't wait to do that.
Speaker 1:You get out into the workforce and you realize everyone is still the same person they were back then. Everyone treats each other the same way. There's still the drama, you know the drama about the girl dating the cheerleader, or the guy dating the cheerleader, or the girl dating the cheerleader or whatever. A cheerleader, whatever that drama is. Just eat um entertainment TV now, or people magazine, times magazine. It's just moved to a different platform. It isn't really gone. You get on social media. I don't care for the Kardashians, but I still see Kardashians everywhere because they want us to hear and talk about them. They want us to be obsessed with them.
Speaker 1:So when you start to realize that the world is not really changing, it's always going to be the same. Yes, there are things that I can do now as an African-American, I couldn't do 40 years ago. That is very true. But also there are still people who are going to look at me and feel like I need to clench my person a little bit more Because that black man. You know he looks suspicious with those cornrows or whatever that stuff is on his head. You know that's always going to be there.
Speaker 1:So I cannot care about people's expectations. I can't care about what other people think. I just got to make sure that I'm good. It's not selfish to feel that way. This year has taught me that it's not. You should want better for everybody around you. You should want better for yourself, and if you're in a place where I'm good, I feel like I'm good. Great, that's okay.
Speaker 1:I'm not saying that everyone has problems. I'm not saying that everyone's situation is the same. I'm not saying that. I'm just saying I'm seeing things that I've done in my past. I'm reading things now that helped me put into words what I believe I had been making mistakes on, and to be in a place now where I can actually benefit and grow and achieve new things, see new things, change my diet and not be ashamed because that's something that has happened. That's just so refreshing, exciting, and I look forward to trying to grow more and do more, do better, be a better husband, better singer, all that jazz.
Speaker 1:Anyway, I was putting in the number. I'm at a nine out of 10 right now and I appreciate y'all so much for hanging out for this check-in and just letting me talk to you and if you're feeling anything like I'm feeling, if you feel like you will have some recommendation for books, or if you just want to talk d-o-m, underscore l-a-m-o-u-r on Instagram and have music everywhere you can listen to, I'll be back next week with an interview and, once again, I just appreciate y'all. Y'all be safe tonight.
